


Renew Your LOLs

by Zarius



Category: The Simpsons
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family Drama, Future Fic, Marriage, Multi, Post-Canon, Psychological Drama, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:22:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21807364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zarius/pseuds/Zarius
Summary: "That's the thing about fans kids" Krusty said, addressing his audience "They think they're entitled to everything, they know what they should GET, but sometimes they don't necessarily think about what they NEED"
Relationships: Bart Simpson/Laura Powers, Lisa Simpson/Ralph Wiggum
Kudos: 1





	1. Thirteen Years Earlier

"Hey-key wakey kids" Krusty the Klown yelled at the top of his lungs, which were quick to give out on him due to some excessive smoking mere minutes before.

He wanted to curse out his bodily functions, but regardless of his ill intentions, his show was on the air and he had to abide by its rules, which meant persisting with a smile.

He tried to skip over to the hot line, a red mobile phone perched on a pedestal in the centre of the stage. It had long been a more traditional handheld telephone, but the networks had it changed to keep things more concurrent. Krusty felt like this was an insult to the art associated with the occasional throwback to a golden age.

As hard as he tried, he found skipping, or even hopping over, to the phone left his knees knackered and his incredibly un-trim belly bloated. He was reminded lately of going up to his father's old attic to pull out some nostalgic albums and he could barely move around because of his weight issues, and could barely even sit down in order to mount the ladder and scale back down to the floor.

He needed to remind himself daily to try and keep in tip-top shape. Each day that vow would go unfulfilled.

"What we're going to play with here" Krusty said to his excited child audience, "Is 'Laugh Line', this is the big one kids, whoever calls in and answers this Krustacious question, will be granted the ability to call on my services at least one time in their lives. That's right, if you're feeling like that smile remains upside down, be it at school, at your parent's therapy sessions, at your dodgy thanksgiving arguments, just ring the number on the screen beneath, 0-5-7-8-KRUSTYKALL, and you'll have me in your life for a 24 hour period. A little ray of sunshine on the cloudiest of days...so let's roll on if we want to get someone rolling on the floor, who do we have on the line Mel?"

"Line Five" his sidekick Sideshow Mel revealed.

"Keep him off" Krusty replied

"Sir, its Line Five" Mel insisted.

"No, we're banning him outright from this"

"Why?"

"Why? Because he's had enough goes. I've seen him plenty of times. So much so he's become as famous as me…and the fame was just as fleeting"

"Krusty, I think you're being a bit harsh"

"That's the thing about fans kids" Krusty said, addressing his audience "They think they're entitled to everything, they know what they should GET, but sometimes they don't necessarily think about what they NEED. Sometimes in life, they NEED to move aside sometimes and let someone else muscle in. Fresh turf is where we surf from here on out, so anyone BUT line five will do"  
"Fine, we'll skip over to line six" said Mel.

"Hello?" Krusty said, picking up the phone.

"Hi" came a squeaky feminine voice

"What's your name?" asked Krusty, tapping the phone

"Kristy" said the voice.

"And here's the question…who am I right now?" Krusty said, tapping a wooden table

"The one who knocks" said Kristy.

"She got the joke folks, congratulations Kristy, you have my services whenever you want it" Krusty responded.

Watching this unfold on television was caller five, who had been denied.

Bart Simpson hated to be denied.

Was Krusty right though? Had Bart been around Krusty so much he saw him more as an associate than a fanatic that needed his constant attention?

"Bart, Laura's at the door" said Marge from the main hall.

Bart got up and opened the door, greeting his old neighbour and babysitter, as well as one of his earliest crushes, Laura Powers. Her t-shirt bore a Captain America with his letter "A" on his chest and the flag on his mask, completely the wrong way around, but it was a tell-tale sign of how much she always likes to turn things you expect to stay the same on its head.

She looked as lavish and as beautiful as ever, her chestnut brown hair was tied back and her jeans were tattered, but her eyes were still spell-blindingly striking and her smile was infectious to the heartstrings.

"Laura, hey, is everything chill?" Bart said nervously, the old butterflies from yesteryear hadn't quite subsided around her. 

They never could.

"Just your luck champ, 'cause I've got something wicked cool just for you" Laura said in a familiar voice.

"Line Six? YOU were Kristy?" Bart said in astonishment as he picked up on the voice.

"Nifty trick huh? Mom wanted me to enter that talent competition, but after finding out the winner of this year's search was for a dog act that required a stunt double for the participant, she's sort of discouraged me"

"Gee, Laura, thanks" Bart replied

"You're going to have to promise me something though"

"What?"

"Use it when you're older"

"Why not now?"

"Because you have everything to live for right now. Your whole life is right there in front of you, wait 'till you have everything in the palm of your hand, and whenever you feel like it's slipping, then is the time to smile about it"

"Great, save it for adulthood" Bart dryly and sarcastically remarked, huffing "People grow out of things, Krusty's already growing out of having a persistent fanboy, what good's a Clown when you have anything my dad guzzles down at that age?" Bart asked.

Laura brushed Bart's hair with her right hand, "You're little, but you're big on improvising, when you see a chance, you'll seize it"

"I'll go one better, I'll do it for you. Anytime you're in a jam, I'll ask Krusty to get on top of it"

"Rather it than me" Laura replied

Bart looked confused

"Never mind, big person humour" she said, "I'll hold you to your promise, but take it to another level for me...do it for any kids I might come to know in the future. Kids your age. The right age. I've kind of grown out of that stuff"

"Consider it done" Bart said, high-fiving his former sitter. "Say, how long you in town for? I'd love you to drop by again, I have the WHEW network, we can sit down and watch that" asked Bart.  
"Oh, just catching up with a few Holograms" said Laura.

"I don't follow" said Bart.

"Oh you know, just what I name my gal pals, you know, after that Jem movie?"

"That's an awful film. I should know I've seen the full trailer" said Bart.

"I know, it drives my friends nuts when I call them that" Laura replied. "Don't worry, I'm on social hang-outs, look me up, we can be online pals for as long as it takes to grow beyond those shorts you tell people to eat"

"And after that?"

"Who knows?" Laura said, "Maybe then I'll have a man rather than a cow" Laura teased.

"You ok?" Bart asked.

"Just waiting" Laura replied.

As Laura left, Bart pondered the meaning of her words, and looked at the phone number she had left.

An opportunity to call Krusty at any point.

In a period where Krusty may no longer want or need him.

A though occurred to him.

How would that define the pair of them if he were to use it years from now?


	2. THIRTEEN YEARS LATER

The sun was right to invite itself as the dour mood from the huddled crowd surrounding the grave was suddenly lifted by it. The spectators looked up and took in the exhilarating summer air that accompanied it.

Bart couldn't process that mentality. It was the same with people who go to spread ashes in the ocean. 

They all end up taking a dip, they all cool themselves off, and they all swim. Swim merrily along while portions of their souls are drowning.

Drowning in grief.

There was no perfect pitch to the healing process, yet people always strive to find some solution. It may look a pleasant sight, maybe to an artist painting a picture nearby, or has a camera handy to capture the moments.

Laughter was to follow as someone made a joke that the person occupying the grave would have made. There was cheer and adulation.

It sickened Bart.

He then began to wonder just where Lisa was.

She shouldn't have missed out on this.

Maybe her husband didn't feel comfortable with being around so many people. People that had hurt him in the past.

Bart shook his head at the potential reason for eluding this event. He had been hurt many a time by the occupant of the grave, to the point he once raised an army against him. A time where he fancied himself a General. Water balloons at the ready, a day where the bullies of Springfield were given a taste of what a true uprising looked like.

A simpler time.

Bart looked to his right; the gravestone that had done the man in had been put back in its original place.

He expected the little kid to the middle of the mourners, Calvin was his name, to bear all and urinate down the side of it, an ill-intentioned mark of territory. A mad dog upset with that which slid off its foundations and crushed it's master.

In Calvin's case, his father.

A way to say 'I owe you'

As the procession ended and the laughter grew ever louder, Bart slipped away back to his car and drove back along the bustling streets paved with road works and intolerable traffic pile-ups to reach the apartment blocks.

The rain suddenly switched itself on. Bart stormed through the rain and pressed the buzzer at the right of the door, the door unlocked and he went inside, he climbed up the stairs, making sure not to inhale the fresh coatings of paint on the unappealing and blank walls, turned to his left, and entered the second door in the hallway.

Once inside, he made a bee-line to the kitchen, where he found the most charming and feisty woman his formative years in life had ever known making him a sandwich.

To the right of him, in the center of the kitchen table, was a high-chair containing a true bundle of life and joy, the perfect remedy for a day dosed in dreary feelings.

"How did the day go?" said Laura.

"Well I didn't poke the body with a stick" Bart joked, and leaned in for a kiss with his wife.

Laura grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and poured her lips into his, giving him a surge of an emotional sensation that did more to clear his head than the adulation and brightness found in the mass crowd that had accompanied the funeral of Nelson Muntz.

"How was that trick?" Laura asked.

"It's a kind of magic" Bart replied.

"You never forget that line" said Laura, walking over to the table and feeding the baby some yogurt.

Bart sat down at the table, leaning back in his chair with his hands folded behind his back, he stared at the child before him, it looked back at him, curious eyes staring straight into him, she stretched her arms outright, expecting an embrace, and getting one as Laura scooped her up and waltzed around with her. Bart took in the sights and saintly sounds as Laura began singing to her kid.

Granted, it was a Beyoncé track, something not too close to his chest in terms of musical preference, but he was hip about it.

"You know I was thinking a lot today" Bart said, "Remember that laugh line number you got me when we were young?"

"Little Maize is way too young" Laura said, "She's not even old enough to process a knock knock joke, the closest thing she has to cutting edge late night is when you and I pull goofball faces to her or to one another when we can't get any shut eye"

"No, not for Maize, for the kids who saw the accident" said Bart.

"You reckon that's why Lisa and Ralph didn't show?" asked Laura.

"Maybe not the whole reason, but I could understand it if it was their kids, they were traumatised" said Bart, "I go to Lisa's house usually every second day of the week and their faces are just so vacant these days, not a drop of mirth coming out of their mouths, and they used to laugh at anything, especially Dad trying to work off an exercise bike and breaking it in two as soon as he stepped OFF rather than ON"

"So Krusty could be up to it? It's been a long time" said Laura

"Hey, he owes you, and you're family now, you know Lisa's kids, you babysit them, so consider this me living up to my promise years back. Kids you know are going to get an injection of quality laughter"

Laura walked over to him, wrapped her arms around him and stuck her tongue out at baby Maize. She giggled.

"They'll be no talk of injections around this table, Maize's scheduled for a jab this weekend, I think she senses it coming" Laura said.

"I'll be more wise with my words babe, trust me" said Bart.

"Just be sure about calling on Krusty too" she said, "Nostalgia makes you high on things that can leave you feeling real low"


	3. Chapter 3

Aztec and Olmec Wiggum were through waiting, even if their scheduled appointment had not come through just yet.

They were taking charge of the waiting room's play area. They were going to command attention, anything to drive them to distraction from what they were currently feeling.

They would take the toys in the play area from those indulging in them, even the ones without that many accessories attached, because they'd all been pilfered by other children on visits to the therapy clinic, and they would try their best to act out a domestic family argument. 

The content of their play was enough to disturb the parents, even if the haplessly innocent children in the clinic were more concerned with waiting their turn.

As she anxiously waited for the Doctor to call them in, a frustrated and concerned Lisa Wiggum tried to keep her children under control, but her eyes wandered to where her husband was seated.

Ralph was starting up a conversation with a young male to his left.

Just her luck.

"I couldn't help but notice you were humming Crash Trolley's theme song, did you see the Wrestling event last night or what?" asked the male.  
"Yeah" said Ralph, "But I want my wife to see the rerun, so no spoilers"

"Really? You don't want to take my mind off of…y'know…this?" asked the male, pointing to the foreboding cream blue door in front of them.  
"You can take clothes off, not minds" said Ralph.

The male backed away ever so slightly.

"You'll have to forgive my husband, he's always thinking a little too literally" said Lisa.

"Doctor Ullman will see the Wiggums now" came the voice over the intercom.

Lisa approached her children and pried them away from the dollhouse and fire engines just as they were about to enact a bit of drama over a domestic disturbance that had resulted, in their minds, in a fire. 

As they were dragged through the door, they could be heard to make small explosive noises, which seemed to inspire the other kids in the waiting room to echo the sounds in unison, much to their parent's annoyance.

Sitting down in the compact therapist's office, Lisa and Ralph looked tensely at one another, clutching each other's hands tightly while their kids chased each other around them in a frantic circle.

Doctor Ullman turned her chair around to face them, having spent some analysing some notes she had been preparing.  
"How many hours have you had sleep?" she asked

"We tried taking him down from five grams to two, but it didn't agree with him" said Lisa

"Silly, pills never argue" said Ralph playfully.

"You're being a clown" Lisa said, "We agreed not to act like that around the doctor"

"The duck lady is in a flap. I can tell" said Aztec as she grabbed Olmec and put him in a tight headlock.

"Duck lady? Mrs. Wiggum…have you or any member of your family been calling me a QUACK behind closed doors?" asked Doctor Ullman, with more of a fire ignited in her mannerisms.  
Lisa stared at the floor in embarrassment.

"No, but their grandfather always cares enough to speak his mind on these matters. Whether I like it or not" Lisa said, embarrassed as always by what her father could say in the heat of conversation.

"How long have the children been displaying aggressive symptoms?" said Ullman.

"Oh, they're not that aggressive" said Lisa, looking back up to the doctor, only to find Aztec and Olmec had wrapped the telephone cords around their fingers and dragged the contraption off the desk.

"I don't need a phone to tell you that was a bad call on your part" said Ullman, "The kind of behaviour they were exhibiting in the waiting room has me concerned"

"You were watching?" said a shocked Lisa.

Ullman pressed a small oval shaped button attached to her desk; a monitor screen slid up from underneath her observational window and displayed a series of black and white CCTV recordings.

"The walls have ears as much as people do Mrs. Wiggum" she said.

"She should send those in to America's Home Videos" said Ralph. Lisa tightened her grip on his hand, trying to hurt him, to control him, but he seemed oblivious to the intent.  
"Enacting a domestic spat that can only end in violence is a touchy subject for any child to be thinking about, and it's something commonly connected with what they seem to be expecting of you two. Have you had any disputes that could lead them to consider these left-field concerns?" asked Doctor Ullman.

"No, no, Ralph and I love each other, we've loved each other since we were kids, we'd never break a bond that goes back as far as that, even after all of this" Lisa said in protest, resting her head on the shoulders of her husband.

"Something clearly happened at that graveyard, something that's making them act out these fantasies, if you have such wedded bliss, why are they acting as if you would do anything to disrupt that?" probed Ullman further.

Ralph slowly began to breathe a bit more deeply; Lisa could tell straight off he was starting to struggle with how heavy this all seemed.

"Can we schedule this for another day?" said Lisa.

"Here you go again, something new emerges that requires our attention, and you flee from it just on the cusp of a break-through, I'd rather we get this all out of our way right now" insisted Ullman.

Ralph began to sweat a bit, "I feel hot" he said.

"Its nerves Ralph, nothing more" said Lisa, stroking his back, "Don't let it strain you too much, you hear me baby?"

"Your husband may be a man-child, but he's not oblivious is he? Exactly how much of this experience have you been honest about when talking to your family about it?"

"They know it had an effect on the kids, that's all" Lisa revealed.

"And what of the effects on you? On Ralph? It seems he's more traumatised than they are" noted Ullman.

"Please, don't push me, I don't want to push back" said Ralph, a few tears pouring from his eyes.

"Ralph, keep calm" said Lisa.

"Mrs. Wiggum, stop coddling him and be straight with me. What happened those few weeks ago that could affect him worse than the children?"

"If I tell you the truth, Ralph will pay the price, surely you can understand me wanting to keep my cards close to my chest"

"Oh you're a royal card alright Mrs. Wiggum, and if you're not careful, your whole family will be flushed" said Ullman in frustration

"Look, let's reschedule, I just think everyone needs a bit of comedy, something lightweight to take them off this roller coaster…renew our laughter out loud" Lisa suggested.

"Medicine is the best medicine Mrs. Wiggum" replied Ullman sternly, "Laughter is a mask"

"Maybe, but I've found that so long as you leave the mask on, you can be just about anything you want to be" Lisa replied.


	4. Chapter 4

Bart reckoned it was a weekend afternoon well spent.

Putting his feet up, sitting back on the couch, the idiot box lit up, a good game of football on, a Duff bottle held firmly in his right hand, and nacho cheese chicken crumb stains all over his checkered shirt, incriminating evidence that he had been raiding the family feast portion of the fridge and tucking into a fine meal ahead of the evening.

If she were anything like his mother, Bart would be lectured on that for hours.

Bart could be the sensitive sort, but he knew when to bottle himself up, but women always made him weak at the knees. Their disapproval of him always made him cry more.  
He cast his mind back to when Edna gave him an F.

He felt so trapped that day, so helpless. That nothing he said or did mattered to anyone.

So he spoke out.

In a moment of kindness from God, fate, whatever you want to call it, Edna caved in and changed her grading.

And Bart kissed her.

Women. No matter what the age, they had an influence on his soul, pulling him in so many directions, sometimes a benefit or a blight to others depending on the people he met.  
One thing that concerned him was how flawed most of them were. Even the adults like Edna.

Jessica, the rest, they were negative influences despite their saintly looks.

Even Laura, beautiful Laura, gravitated to the bad boys. Just ask Jimbo Jones.

Just ask Bart Simpson.

But as adult life eventually seeped into his own, Bart didn't feel like much else could happen that he hadn't accomplished as a child. The 'bad boy days' as he knew them seemed to peak at the age where he was still just a boy.

He was barely out of his teens now, settled, committed. He always had visions of futures where none of this would work if he stayed who he was as a youngster.  
Everything ending in the worst case scenario.

Broken hearts, weak knees, court battles, custody clashes.

"Not here" he thought, "This is what I have, and it's something I'll work hard at keeping . They deserve it. I deserve it"

He looked at the photos on the mantelpiece. Photo booth kissing, riding bikes down a lavish hillside, a picnic near the power plant, pretending to tuck into a three-eyed fish.  
Homer actually taking it too far in one photo and coming close to feeding Maggie it.

Bart grinned. Maybe a call was in order.

He got off his Kester and moved over to the phone, he dialled up the familiar numbers that connected him to his family abode on Evergreen Terrace.

"Hello? Do we want any?" came a laboured and lazy voice, "I know Marge always tells me to say we don't want any, but I'd like to give it a whirl if the price isn't so steep"

"No Homer, I'm not trying to sell you jack, it's just me" Bart said.

"Boy" Homer said, before bursting into a fit of laughter, "How's the game? The Spring Steps are getting jacked right off the pitch at the moment"

"Laura bet on the Shelby shooters. I'll be tucking into a bigger and better meal tonight with those earnings" Bart replied.

"Whatever happened to rooting for the homer-town team?" Homer replied.

"You know this happens whenever a nest is emptied" Bart responded.

He scooped up one of the photos of Homer covered in mud and aggressively attacking a cameraman from the period he was mistaken for Bigfoot. 

"Sometimes you just go a bit ape for the alternatives"

"How's little Lisa?" asked Homer, "And don't sugar coat it….hmmm….sugar coating…."

"Train of thought Homer" Bart urged, "Stay on track"

"Yeah, totally. How is she?" he asked.

"She's alright, all things considered. Was thinking of calling in a favour from an old face"

"I'll be there in a jiffy…unless you mean Grandpa, if so, he'll be there more all tipsy"

"He's still drinking?" Bart replied, "At his age?"

"Told me it was just a little, but at the rate he's going, a little is more than a lot"

"I didn't mean Grandpa, or you, I meant Krusty" said Bart.

"Be wise boy, Krusty isn't so sure on summons these days. One time he went to a birthday bash, and a few drinks later, he ended up taking the 'bash' part a little too literally"

"That was more a grown-up's gig. He adapts different mentalities where that's concerned" Bart said, "This will be with kids, he'll sort everything out"

"Let's hope you're right boy, I'd hate the kids to be standing in another's rain. D'OH. Sorry boy, had a bit of a lady mondegreen there"

"Dad, you got it right" Bart replied

"Got what right?" said Homer

"The mondegreen. The misheard lyric, you actually got it right, everyone interprets it as 'standing in another's grave', but the rain part is exactly right"  
"Whoo-Hoo" Homer yelled in triumph.

"Take care Homer…Dad…I love you" Bart replied, and after a hearty exchange of that, he put the phone down.

The buzzer on the door went off. Laura and the baby were home. Bart let them through.

As Laura made her way upstairs and entered the apartment, she examined Bart's shirt and casually shook her head while smiling.

"Did the Springsters lose their step? Because if not you are so paying for the diner tonight" she replied.

"Rival school is the rule of cool so far" Bart said.

"So 90s" Laura continued, removing her jacket before scooping Maize up in her arms.

"How'd her jab go at the clinic?" Bart asked.

"Valiant with the vaccine" said Laura, "How about you? You still want to make the call to your Clown?"

"Well, I've already run rings around a member of the family circus, how can one from an actual one hurt?" replied Bart.

"You sure you can pull off a convincing female voice over the phone?" she said, "He'll still think you're Kristy"

"Hey, you know how long I've been practising, I'm starting to think a women's voice fits me like a glove"

"Still wondering why I won't do it?" asked Laura, pinching his cheek.

"Tell me over dinner. I can digest anything you say better than anything on a plate" said Bart


End file.
